Episode Transcript
Court: Basic concrete steps a person with Autism Spectrum Disorder can take to make friends or change their reputation, next on The Scope.
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Court: A lot of people come to me and one of their biggest concerns they have is, "I want friends," "I am lonely," or, "I'm tired of people thinking I meant something one way when I didn't and now they're mad at me and it's not my fault. I don't know what to do. What do I do?"
And it's amazing how simple it is for me just to say, "Look, I want you to start practicing smiling, making eye contact and saying people's names." You might be thinking, "People don't want me to smile at them or when I do, they snarl at me." I've heard that before. And at this point I just say, "Look, we're just going to practice. Just walk down the hallway, smiling with your head up. You've got just as much right to walk down the hallway with your head up as they do, and you look and if they're looking at you, you smile and if you know their name, you say their name and if you don't know their name you just say, "Hey, how's it going?"
That's all you've got to go. I'm not telling you to stop and talk to them, just keep walking. If they do stop, we'll worry about that later. For now, all I want you to do is just walk down the hallway, smiling with your head up. You'd be amazed at how quickly this can start to turn things around for you. When people don't see that you smile, they think that you don't like them. And neurotypical people, if you stop smiling at them, they're going to think you don't like them and they're going to stop being nice to you. And then your life gets really difficult because people don't listen to you, they don't want your help on a school project or a work project.
And it could be that maybe you did say something unintentionally that somebody took offense to. This is a great way to just show that hey, obviously you didn't mean an insult because look at how much you smile. There's no way you meant to be rude because you smile so much. Neurotypical people are a little bit more forgiving than we think and especially as they get older, forgiving and forgetting becomes something that they can do easier.
So there really is a point to doing this and it really does work. It's amazing how quickly it can work. So just for a week, you can just start the expectation of, "I'm just going to walk down the hallway, smile, make eye contact and say names." Though that's your only expectation, just to do it. I don't want you to worry about how many people smile back at you. I don't want you to worry about how many people say your name or how many people scowl at you. All you're doing is controlling your behavior of smiling, making eye contact and using their names.
Within a week you can start noticing a turnaround. I do think that you will need to stick close to somebody as far as a counselor or a parent, regarding your negative internal monologue. Because it could be that you're so used to kids being mean to you that you think they're going to be mean to you. And just that thought, that fear, might keep you from actually doing this assignment.
So I want you to ignore that internal monologue for this first week while you practice just making eye contact, smiling and saying their names. Now I know that you might be thinking that people don't want you to smile at them or they don't want you to say their name. You might be thinking that they're already talking to somebody and that your talking to them or smiling or saying their name would be rude or interrupt them.
So remember at this point, I only want you to do this while you're walking down a hallway. If you're walking down a hallway and one other person is walking towards you, it's awkward to not try and look them in the eye; it's awkward to not smile. They're going to think that you're rude if you don't do that. So if we're trying to change your reputation, potentially make friends or at least lay the groundwork for that, just smile, look to see if they're looking at you and if they are looking at you, you smile again and then if you know their name, you say their name. This really can turn your reputation around and start laying the groundwork for making friends.
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