While we wish we could shield our children from the dangers of the world, life’s unexpected challenges often catch us off guard, leaving us unprepared for tough conversations.
If you’re struggling to support your child in the aftermath of a traumatic event, know that you’re not alone. According to a national study, 64% of adults experienced at least one traumatic event before the age of 18. Despite this unsettling statistic, many children can process and heal by talking it out. Here are some strategies to help start those conversations.
Do Make Sure They’re Safe
Before starting any conversation, ensure the child is physically safe and fully aware that they are out of harm’s way.
“Even if they’re in the hospital and got the all-clear from the doctor, they may still believe they are at risk of dying,” says Brooks Keeshin, MD, professor of pediatrics and associate vice chair of research at Huntsman Mental Health Institute. “Or they may still feel in danger in places like a police station or a domestic violence shelter. Never assume that the child knows what’s going on.”
Don’t Ask Leading Questions
When asked about their feelings, it’s common for a child to shut down the conversation with a quick “yes” or “no” response. When this happens, resist the urge to insert your own thoughts and feelings. Here are some examples of leading questions and comments you should avoid:
- That was a really bad car crash. You must really be hurting.
- That accident in the playground really bothered you, didn’t it?
- That was scary, but you’re tough and you’ll get over it quickly.
“Don’t assume the child is going to be significantly impacted or, conversely, unaffected by the event,” Keeshin says. “Children process trauma in many different ways, so let them be the ones to tell you how they’re feeling.”
Do Let the Child Be the Guide
Before asking a child how they are doing, make sure you’re in the right headspace to gently encourage your child to open up. Here are some prompts to get you started:
- How often do you think about the event?
- How do you feel when you think about what happened?
- When a child gives a brief answer, follow up with “Okay, tell me more about that.”
“It’s important to invite the conversation in an open-ended way,” Keeshin says. “If they do indicate that something is going on, follow their lead, recognize their feelings, and ask open-ended questions that let the child tell their story in paragraphs rather than one- or two-word responses.”
Don’t Fill in the Blanks
After a frightening event, a child’s mind can be flooded with “what if” scenarios about the future. For example, following a domestic violence incident, a child might worry about their life being turned upside down. To help ease their anxieties, offer essential information but don’t overwhelm them with “what ifs” and encourage them to share their current thoughts and feelings.
"From a trauma standpoint, children may become more distressed about what they don’t know or what they think might happen,” Keeshin says. “When they start filling in the blanks, their thoughts might be worse about what happened. It’s important to identify these thoughts when they exist so that the right level of information can be provided to the child at their developmental level.”
Do Get Help If Needed
It’s natural for children to go through some ups and downs after trauma. However, it’s important to watch for new or worsening signs of traumatic stress and reach out for professional help. Symptoms include:
- Having bad dreams or sleep disturbances
- Withdrawing from favorite hobbies and interests
- Being quieter and more reserved
- Experiencing changes in mood (feeling more anxious, sad, angry, irritable, etc.)
Keeshin notes that we shouldn’t assume a child has traumatic stress, but it’s important to watch for symptoms and get them professional help if needed.
“The good news is many children recover without seeing a therapist,” Keeshin says. “For those who need professional help, we have excellent ways to help speed up the recovery process. It all starts with not assuming but rather allowing the child the space to share how they are feeling and letting their trauma responses guide the path toward healing.”
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