Pregnancy loss is one of the most heartbreaking things an expectant parent can endure. A stillbirth, which is when the baby dies after 20 weeks’ gestation, occurs in about 1 in 175 births, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). A miscarriage is a pregnancy loss that occurs before 20 weeks’ gestation, affecting as many as 25% of known pregnancies. No matter when in pregnancy a loss occurs, it’s a traumatic event that can be devastating for the parents.
If someone in your life has recently suffered pregnancy loss, it can be hard to know exactly what to say or do to help while the person is grieving. However, you can show support in genuine ways while still respecting their privacy and space as they navigate through this tragedy.
Finding the Right Words
Unfortunately, there is no perfect script to follow in this situation, and it’s important to acknowledge that your loved one may not be ready to talk about it. Simple expressions of sympathy validate the pain the person may be experiencing and reinforce that both they and their baby matter to you. Let them know that you are available to listen whenever they are ready to talk. This leaves the conversation open-ended and doesn’t force them to open up if they’re not ready.
The following are examples of things you could say that are compassionate but simple:
- “I’m here for you.”
- “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
- “If you ever need to talk, I’m here.”
- “I’m thinking about you.”
- “Your child mattered.”
- “Whatever you’re feeling is valid.”
“The parents just had a major loss, so let them know that you are there for them and ready to listen when they are ready to talk,” says Rana Jawish, MD, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Huntsman Mental Health Institute. “It’s important to be gentle, follow their lead, and, most importantly, validate their emotions.”
Even though your intentions are good, you should avoid saying some things to a parent who is in the throes of grief. Avoid statements that try to rationalize or minimize the loss, point out any silver linings, or bring up religious views that the grieving person may not share, such as:
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “They’re in a better place.”
- “You’ll see them again one day.”
- “At least you already have children.”
- “You can always try again.”
- “It could’ve been worse.”
Taking Practical Action
Grief can feel all-encompassing, so offering your help to make their day-to-day life a little lighter is a good way to support someone who has experienced pregnancy loss. Offering to help with the following things can help your loved one focus on their own healing without the overwhelm of daily tasks piling up:
- Drop off homemade meals or give gift cards to a meal delivery service.
- Run errands, like shopping for groceries and other essentials.
- Offer to help care for other children or pets.
- Help with household chores or yard work.
When offering practical help, it’s best to be specific so the grieving person doesn’t feel like they need to schedule a certain day or task for you. Instead of “reach out if you need anything,” try saying “I could come by on Saturday morning to do your dishes and laundry” or “I’ll drop off dinner for you on Tuesday evening.”
Offer Long-Term Support
Grief from pregnancy loss doesn’t magically disappear, nor is the healing timeline linear. People may suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, and anxiety, so it’s important to continue to offer your support in the long-term. Holidays, the anniversary of the loss, and the baby’s original due date can be triggering, so a simple text on these days to let them know you are thinking about them can be very comforting.
If you are worried that your loved one is struggling and may need professional help, remember to be gentle and non-judgmental.
“Family members are the first line of defense in terms of mental health complications and adverse outcomes,” Jawish says. “A compassionate, non-judgmental approach is very important. It still gives the person a sense of control and the safe space to make decisions without feeling like you are pressuring them. But it lets them know that you, as a family member, are concerned.”
Jawish suggests saying things like “I’ve noticed lately you might not be doing very well” or “I’ve heard that talking to a mental health professional could be helpful.” Then, gently suggest options that exist, like talk therapy, support groups, or other pregnancy loss resources.
More about the Utah Pregnancy After Loss Program
The Utah Pregnancy After Loss Program sees patients who have experienced the following:
• Stillbirth for any reason
• Newborn death for any reason
• Termination of pregnancy for medical or obstetric reasons
• Recurrent or other types of pregnancy loss
• Placental disorders including preeclampsia and fetal growth restriction
• Preterm birth due to medical or pregnancy problems
For those whose loss has just happened, the trauma is real, with answers and support hard to find. For those who seek another baby after loss, the road to a successful pregnancy is often a terrifying and lonely journey.
Families who have suffered loss, major pregnancy complications, and families who hope for another baby deserve cutting-edge medical care. They also often need mental health support in ways unique to their experience