Addressing Dry Spells: Expert Tips to Boost Intimacy and Sexual Desire
After a long, exhausting day, you’re finally cozied up in bed, and then it happens. Your partner cuddles up next to you, interrupting your peace and quiet. If this scenario rings a bell, you're not alone. With the demands of daily life, intimacy often takes a backseat for many women.
Dry spells are common in many relationships, but if this is becoming a problem, you can get your groove back. Here are some tips to help keep that flame alive.
Know the Basics
When you learned about the birds and the bees, you may not have received all the details of orgasms and arousal. As a result, many adults go through life without fully understanding the bodily responses to sex and desire.
"There is so much you have to learn outside of school," says Anna Nash, PhD, a physician assistant at University of Utah Health. "I get many patients who ask how they can have an orgasm, and oftentimes it's a misunderstanding of their own bodies and intercourse."
- Arousal: During arousal, the body experiences excitement, increased heart rate and blood pressure, increased respiration rate, genital arousal sensations, and swelling of the genitalia.
- Orgasm: This is the peak of sexual pleasure when pelvic floor muscles spasm, resulting in a burst of arousal sensations and sometimes shaking. A resolution quickly follows, and arousal comes to an end.
Get the Party Started
Not everyone experiences arousal the same way. Some may be ready to go at the flip of a switch, while others may be slower to warm up. Nash likens this to a party invite—you may not feel like going, but you eventually have a good time once you’re there.
"Past research of the arousal model showed that arousal always happens before sex," Nash explains. "But now we know it's not a linear process, and in many cases, arousal comes through active engagement during the sexual encounter.”
In more scientific terms, Nash explains this as responsive desire versus spontaneous desire. Unlike men, who are more prone to spontaneous desire, women may need some extra time to rev up their engines.
"Many women, especially those in midlife, experience responsive desire,” Nash says. “I think a lot of women get stuck in thinking they're broken because they didn't get automatically excited when they saw the invite, versus their male partners who are always ready to go.”
Take Your Foot Off the Brakes
It’s perfectly natural to feel stuck in a sexual rut amidst the hustle and bustle of busy modern life. When this happens, Nash advises her patients to be mindful of many factors that make them step on the brakes.
"We all have sexual accelerators and brakes, and it's important to know how sensitive both of these things are,” Nash says. “I meet with a lot of overwhelmed moms with highly sensitive brakes, and it's harder to press the accelerator when they're feeling stuck."
If this sounds familiar, here are some ways to ease off the brakes:
- Write down all your turn-ons and turn-offs.
- Delegate chores to your partner or family members.
- Designate some self-care alone time.
- If your partner's hygiene is a factor, take a shower together.
- Wear clothes that make you feel sensual.
- Send a flirty text to your partner to get in the mood.
Take Back Control
Rather than waiting for your partner to ask for sex when you’re tired, try flipping the script by initiating sex on your own terms.
"I see a lot of women whose husbands want sex at inconvenient times, so I encourage them to take back control and ask for sex at least a couple times a month,” Nash says.
If this sounds easier said than done, try shifting things around so you won’t be burdened with obligations that stand in the way.
"Communication is so important. Find out how you can both build upon your accelerators while removing some of those brakes.”
When Should I Get Professional Help?
When it comes to sexual arousal, there are numerous physiological and mental health factors to consider, including:
- Past sexual trauma and PTSD
- Depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues
- Chronic conditions that inhibit the ability to orgasm
- Medications that can reduce sexual desire
- Menopausal hormone imbalances
- Painful sex caused by vaginal dryness or pelvic floor problems
- Deep-rooted relationship issues
Some treatment options may include a visit with the gynecologist or primary care physician, couples therapy, individual talk therapy, hormone therapy, and pelvic floor therapy.
Ultimately, it’s important to enjoy the act of sex. If that’s not happening, it’s time to make a change.
"If you're just having sex to benefit your partner, that isn't fostering healthy sexuality," Nash says. "It's time to reclaim your sexuality and start having sex worth having."
