S5E4: Lina - Strength from Community

Lina: I've been told before that sometimes we start off by talking randomly. Does this all seem okay? All right. So hi, everyone. Welcome back to "Bundle of Hers." This is the last part of the Identity Series. This is Lina speaking here with you all today, the third new voice.

So just a little bit of background, I am a third-year medical student right now. I am currently doing my rotations. So it's been a little bit of a crazy year for me with all these new experiences.

But I grew up in Gaza until I was 18. I did move back and forth a little bit when there was a lot of tension, but it was always between Utah and Gaza. And I did my undergrad here. Yeah, I guess that's my background.

Today, I wanted to talk a little bit more about strength through Palestinian identity. It's a big part of who I am and why I am where I am today.

I have Noor here with me today. Noor is also Palestinian, but I'm going to give her a little bit of the stage to talk more about her background.

Noor: Hi, everyone. Thank you, Lina, so much for having me today.

Lina: I'm so excited for you to be on here.

Noor: I'm nervous to be here, but I'm excited to share a little bit about where I come from and why I'm where I'm at today as well.

So my name is Noor. I am Palestinian. I was born and raised in Sacramento, California. And being Palestinian is the most valuable thing I cherish about myself and what drives me every day. So I'm honored to be here and to talk more about how much it's taught me and how much it continues to challenge me and strengthen me.

I was born and raised in California and thought that was challenging, identifying as Palestinian in California. Then coming to Utah, I'm challenged even more because it's so different than what I was used to, but I'm excited to be here. I'm also in the medical field. I'm a first-year PA student at the University of Utah. So I'm adjusting to Utah, I'm adjusting to PA school, and it's all very new and exciting as well.

Lina: I feel this year especially has kind of shown a lot of the struggles that come with being Palestinian, at least for me. I mean, there were de-escalations and the war that happened earlier this summer, and then I lost my grandfather in the middle of the summer.

Noor: Oh, I'm so sorry.

Lina: It felt a lot. It was a lot of struggle. It was a lot of thinking, "Why am I feeling like this? Why do we have to feel this struggle all the time?" We're constantly being questioned. We're constantly being de-identified basically, de-personalized, dehumanized, and you always felt like you had to be explaining yourself as well and your background and why you choose to believe the things you believe in. And it was a lot of pressure.

It made me question a lot of why I keep identifying with my Palestinian identity and why I keep holding onto it, which is kind of why I wanted to speak about this in this episode. It took a lot of me keeping my strength up, basically, and realizing why I am the way I am.

I do find a lot of strength through my identity. It's gotten me where I am today. It's gotten me through medical school and I feel like a big part of it is . . . When I met you, I think a simple example is you're Palestinian, you're in medicine, I feel like you understand. You're part of the community.

For a while, you feel kind of lost and you kind of feel like you don't have that, and especially with how being a Palestinian, you're questioned all the time for that identity. Your identity is trying to be erased as well. So you can feel lost.

But for me, finding a little bit of that community helped ground me. It reminded me of why I went into medicine. Finding that community, I was able to also provide community for others as well. And not just through Palestinian, but also through identifying with something different, the struggle that comes with that. Identifying with being a minority, with being Muslim, with being vulnerable, I was able to provide kind of a sense of community to who I'm around, and that's strong because you're able to make people not feel as lost or not feel as alone anymore, I feel.

Noor: I mean, I think this year tested us. I think some would think that we're used to all of this by now, but I think this year, it weighed so much heavier on all of us. I don't know if it's because of having a year of COVID and having that settle down and kind of feeling drained from especially being in medicine in times of COVID, also being exhausted from that.

But I just felt like this year, when everything happened in Palestine, it was just . . . I was full of anger. I was full of frustration. I'm not big about cancel culture, but for the first time, I just felt so frustrated with everyone that stayed silent. I felt like we had given people so many opportunities to learn about Palestine and to understand for those that didn't understand, and to have their silence again this year, I think, was very frustrating.

So I definitely know what you mean. It weighs heavy on top of already having a difficult curriculum and already having your own challenges. To have to reeducate people and having to still attend protests and prove that what's happening is wrong is exhausting.

But at the same time, I think it also reminds me that our identity as Palestinians is that we're never giving up. And I think our voice is only getting louder. And I think that frustration is really just fuel for wanting to work towards better . . . like, to improve the system and speak about it and talk about it and no longer have filters and no longer have to silence ourselves for the comfort of other people, I think.

Even though it was frustrating and it was difficult and my blood was boiling with everything that was happening, it refueled me to remind me what direction I'm going to, what I need to talk about, what situations I need to be put in, and what kinds of conversations I need to start having to no longer need to feel like I'm filtering myself and start speaking about the things that are important and are important to my own identity.

Lina: Yeah. You realize how much you have a voice. You realize how much having that voice creates power within yourself, creates strength within yourself. And you're not just fighting for Palestine anymore.

I mean, I see it in just interacting with patients right now. You're able to feel more strength in fighting for other people and communicating and sharing the truth of what you feel is right and what you feel like needs to be stood up for. At least that's what I've learned from this all.

I'm not saying I've learned it and I'm done, it's definitely constantly in the works, but I feel like that's a big part of my Palestinian identity. I was able to speak at protests and it was a big change because this is what we're fighting for. And even if they're not Palestinian, we continue to fight for people. We continue to be a voice for people. And that's important.

You realize what the silence does because we've dealt with that. We've dealt with people being silent. We've dealt with systems, structures, whole countries being silent, and how hurtful that is. So then you don't want to be silent anymore.

Noor: I think that's the beauty of being Palestinian, is being able to really understand and relate to others. When the Syrian crisis took place, I felt for the Syrian communities and I did my best to show up and be there, and for the Afghan community and for the various backgrounds that I'm still learning about that are going through similar situations.

I know, for me, for example, finding people that can relate to me was always very difficult because not only did I want to find my support system, but I wanted someone that understood it. So I didn't want to have to teach someone about what it means to be Palestinian, what that comes with.

So having people that can already relate and understand is so important and I feel honored to be that person for different communities and different backgrounds because I know exactly what it feels like and I know the frustration and I know I can relate to it firsthand. I think it gives them a sense of relief that they aren't alone.

Lina: What kind of got you into medicine? Is it related, I guess, to your Palestinian identity?

Noor: I personally never had the best healthcare growing up. And I think it was one thing for me to not have it, but to see my loved ones struggle with it. My brother has MS, and that was . . . I was so young, but at the same time, witnessing him going through the things that he had to go through and what he had to overcome was always so fascinating to me about just what the body is capable of. And having good access could have changed outcomes drastically for a lot of the things that we went through.

I think having to grow up and kind of fend for myself in terms of the care I needed and the care my parents needed and understanding the various things that I think are culturally inappropriate that took place in my mother's care, my father's care, and recognizing that at a young age I think all just led me to, "We need more people that look like us to be our providers so we can get the right attention."

But essentially, just going back home and going to the Middle East during breaks, I think it was just there's so much that needs to be. And as a female and as an Arab Palestinian woman, I think it's a powerful tool to be in medicine because we're serving the female community. We need more of us in medicine so we can better advocate for our own women.

So, Lina, I have a question for you. Being Palestinian and being where you are today, what do you think was the biggest driving force to why you chose medicine?

Lina: A big part of it is growing up in Gaza, the healthcare I saw there, the low resources, how people live. A lot of people's lowest times were when they were sick or couldn't access something to get better. Cancer, trauma, or just even general preventative care, there was something lacking. And I went into medicine because I saw that low and I wanted to be a change in that low.

There's definitely a lot of struggle with being here versus there and knowing the things I know here versus being able to help there because I can't right now, but it is kind of my path.

Like you mentioned a little bit ago, there's a lot of power, and for either Palestinians or for women, Arab women. Ultimately, I will be able to provide that for my community, and that is kind of my goal, but there's also a lot of what I can do here. I mean, there's a lot of the diaspora here. There's a lot of the very similar communities and struggle here that I know will be very powerful and basically a lot of strength in helping them and doing what I can and what I'm learning right now.

There are a lot of things that we can do. There's a lot of change, but I think living in Gaza is what started it all. And I really do hope that one day I am able to return and I am able to kind of go back to where it all started in a sense. It's home. It's where I grew up, that's what I saw, and that's what I want to be able to change.

This year was also very hard for me because my grandfather passed away from situations that could have been prevented. I mean, he just couldn't get access to care across the border and it was very hard to deal with that because we're on this side of the world.

And I'm not saying it doesn't exist here, but there's care that could be given to him that he wasn't able to get just because of where he was on the side of the border.

But it's situations like that that you want to be able to change. You want to be able to impact even just by a little bit. And that could be just with the knowledge that we get from learning medicine, from studying medicine.

Even just making people more aware of their health. Talking to my aunts back home or my family or friends back home and telling them to be aware of even just small situations, I think, is a big motivator, is a big thing that keeps me going in this. Even if I can't be there, I'm able to talk about what I know and talk about the knowledge that I have.

Noor: And it's coming from a trusted source. They have so much trust in you and you are out here learning so much and gaining those tools that you're able to share with them. Although they could access it via the internet or somehow, the fact that it's coming from you, I think, is even more powerful for them making changes in their lifestyles or learning these preventative measures that they can take.

Lina: Like I said, it's a big thing that keeps me going. And even just here, there's a lot that I feel like we can do with just the simple things that we learn with healthcare, which is our voice or that confidence that we get.

For me, it's the patients I meet on the day-to-day here in my clerkships. I've had Muslim patients or even minority patients be so grateful and so thankful for just being able to be there and being on the team even, or someone that understands a little bit more that have been so good and such a good experience to have.

It comes with a lot of struggles for sure. This year wasn't easy, like we mentioned, but there's also a lot of good and a lot of wins, I guess. The small wins here and there that are motivator, that show me how much I'm strong through who I am.

Noor: And I know that gets exhausting too. Sometimes we're expected to always be strong because we're Palestinian. I think my parents always told us, "Don't forget you're resilient, you're capable, you're strong, because you're Palestinian." But at some point, it feels like we can't ever complain or we have to always be strong and always have tough skin. And that's not always the case.

Lina: I think another thing this year has made me realize is it's okay to not feel okay all the time. It's okay to have your low days and to kind of take a step back and be able to recognize that you need a moment, that you need to care for yourself.

That takes a lot of effort on my behalf to be able to step back because I always feel like I need . . . I'm the oldest as well out of all my siblings. So I've kind of been told, "You always need to be on top of it. You always need to be the strong one or be the person who doesn't give up or doesn't step back," and you face a lot of burnout. I did go through phases where I felt too tired, too weak. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't fight for who I am. I couldn't fight for people. Not even just fight. It felt too much to exist.

And it comes with having the community that I have around me, including the "Bundles" community. They've taught me it's okay to step back. It's okay to just have a day to yourself and be okay with who you are.

Yeah, we always say existence is resistance, and we are existing in this world, in this system, and it's a lot of strength to know that you're helping others, you're helping yourself, you're helping your family, your community when you do take a break sometimes.

Noor: Exactly. Something I think about that you taught me is I don't have to educate everyone about what's happening, because that alone is always exhausting. There are some people that I can just send them resources to learn about Palestine, but I don't have to give up all that energy and exhaustion of teaching them the history and what's happening. I personally don't have it in me anymore, or some days I just feel capable of doing that and some days I'm like, "Oh, today is not the day for me to educate about my identity."

Lina: Yeah. I have a list of resources, like you do too, and I just say, "You know what? Here's that list." That's okay as well. We're doing what we can. We're doing what we can throughout the day, and that's okay.

A bigger picture when we look at it, it's . . . right now, it might seem small with the small community around us, like our friends, our family. Tomorrow, that will continue to grow. And that comes from our voice, our fight every day, why I wanted to go into medicine and what change I'm able to make in the future as well. That comes with being okay in the day-to-day.

Noor: Yeah, that's beautiful. I can't wait to see where and what you end up doing.

Lina: It'll be so good. We'll go back with Leen as well, because she's Palestinian, and we'll open up some clinic somewhere.

Noor: I learned that a lot of it too is having to help older generations unlearn a lot of things. There are a lot of myths that have been just passed on. Everything that I'm learning, I'm able to help my mom, at least, like, "No, Mom, this is not true. Let me explain why this is a myth." And even doing that in the refugee camps abroad, teaching them that they can still get pregnant even though they just had a baby and they're breastfeeding.

Lina: I feel like I'm fighting a wall with that though, because I have a lot of aunts that we have this group chat and I always see some stuff that they talk about. And especially there are the old tales of, "If you drink this mixture, then you will for sure have a boy." I'm like, "That is crazy." I don't really say that to them, but for me, I'm just like, "This is why this is a myth and this is inaccurate."

Some of that stuff can hurt people. Some of that stuff is harmful to believe in. So it's definitely a whole thing that takes a lot of your energy sometimes because you're fighting years and years of culture and beliefs. I'm sure some of them came from a lot of good things, but some of them, we are there to kind of talk through and kind of make the change in a sense.

Noor: You have to pick and choose which ones you're choosing to correct.

Lina: Oh, yeah, for sure. And also it depends on the day, of course, and how my family is feeling. But it works out. It works out at the end. And then they see. It's like, "Oh, yeah, you know what? She's a doctor." Or they think I'm a doctor, but I'm still in the training process. But they say that and it's like, "Okay. I have some pull."

When was the last time you were in Palestine?

Noor: Last time I was in Palestine was 2019. I was actually planning . . . I took a year off and was telling my parents, "I'm going to go live in Palestine for a year, and then I'll come back and I'll apply to school." And then COVID happened, so everything kind of changed. When was the last time you went?

Lina: It was 2013, so eight and a half years now. Nine? I can't do math apparently. So it's been a while and that's just different because I'm from Gaza, and that's definitely very hard for me because there were many times that I felt like I was losing myself and my identity because it's been so long since I've been there. I've lost a lot of people there as well that I wasn't able to see, that I wasn't able to say goodbye to in a sense. That's always been hard.

I feel like we've talked about this before. You spend your time here and you feel guilty sometimes for identifying with Palestine because you're not there. You're not struggling with them. You're not kind of living the life that they're living. And I felt guilty at times and I felt like I've lost some of that identity at times because I've been so far away.

One part that's helped me is, again, the community around here and just realizing the voice and strength I have from being Palestinian. It's still hard, but I know that I will go back eventually sometime and I will be able to do what I want to do. I will see my family again.

But that's been a huge part of why it's been so hard lately. But finding people like you as well, and some of our Palestinian community here, especially strong women who are trying to all create a change, that's also . . . we're all in this together.

Noor: I think that's what made this transition to Utah a little lighter for me, was honestly meeting you and our other two Palestinian friends. I was like, "Wow, I just need these three women and I'll manage to live here. These women that identify like me and understand what it's like to be Palestinian."

And I think even just hearing your speech at the protest, when you talked about your life in Gaza and talked about your frustrations with everything that's happening. I stood there and was tearing up because I never understood . . . I mean, being Palestinian, I understand the struggle, but I never understood it from the perspective of someone that's like me, that looks like me, that has the same goals as me, but lived there and had that become her everyday life and to be here and it being stripped away from your own country. After experiencing life there, I can't imagine what it's like.

Lina: I mean, it's something I feel like I have to think about every day and reflect on every day. It is still a huge part of me, but it's also what keeps me moving. But it really does help to have people around me that understand.

Noor: But I totally understand feeling guilty because I always felt like I was never American here, even though my dad always was like, "You're born and raised here. You're American, just as American as anyone else here that's American." But I never felt like it. People saw my last name or they saw my name and they knew I wasn't from here.

But then when I would go back home . . . my family would go to Jordan often because that's where most of our family is . . . I was American. And so when we went to Palestine finally, I just felt so guilty for being there because my American identity allowed me to see parts of Palestine that my family that has been there their whole life is not able to see and doesn't have access to. And it just feels very wrong. Just recognizing that my passport had power, but my whole life all I identified as is Palestinian and I feel guilty being in Palestine.

Lina: Yeah. I think it's definitely good to acknowledge that, but it also comes with a lot of power that you are able to create more change. You're able to do more. Same thing for me. We're here. We're studying. Yes, I've lost a lot of years back home, but I also will be able to have this education, specialize and do what I want to do, and it also gives me the knowledge and power to create more change. And that's really good.

Noor: So I know you want to make a big impact overseas, especially in Gaza, but what kind of impact do you wish to have in medicine here in the States?

Lina: I think it has to do back to the different communities that we interact with that our patients come from. We're able to kind of provide . . . or I'm able to help be a voice or advocate for a lot of my patients and the communities they come from.

I feel like I live my life as part of a different group, a different community, and I still live it as well right here. I can see the change it can make for someone to have someone on the team that kind of understands them a little bit more, can help them identify with them a little bit more.

I think there are a lot of inequalities in healthcare and people that, like you said, don't look like us or don't kind of speak our language or don't get that. And I've seen already as a student just the change it can make to have someone that looks like you on the team, and that's part of where I want to go.

I'm definitely still on my third year exploring all these specialties, which is so great and just fun to have all that variety in what you can experience. But I know that, eventually, it will be with a community that I help provide more access or provide more change there.

Noor: Yeah. Maybe for our last topic, we can share a little bit about what's our favorite thing about being Palestinian, aside from the resilience and the strength that's ingrained in us.

Lina: I love the love that we have for our land, and our people, and our community, and for each other, for the food. Any Palestinian you meet, we always have a joke, "What time is it?" "Oh, let's talk about Palestine. Time to talk about Palestine." So I just love a little bit of that obsession in a sense. I think it drives a lot of people. It drives me for sure. But even just the love for the sea, because I'm from Gaza, and the food. I miss it so much. But yeah, that is one of my favorite things. What about you?

Noor: I think for me it's our traditions. My favorite thing in Palestine when I visit is seeing the tetas in their thobes, which are traditional . . .

Lina: Palestinian dress.

Noor: Yeah.

Lina: With all the kind of embroidered dresses.

Noor: And it'll be like 100 degrees outside . . .

Lina: And they'll still wear them.

Noor: Our grandmas are still rocking them. That's my favorite thing to see. It's so beautiful and I know it's probably her work. She hand-stitched it or someone within the village. I love it. I want to get to that level, but I'm like, "Oh, no, it's too hot for me."

Lina: Oh, my mom taught me how to stitch though, the tatreez. So we can have a party.

Noor: Oh, I love it. Let's do it.

Lina: Perfect. Thanks, everyone, and we'll talk to you more. I don't know. Chloe, what do you want? Well, thank you, Noor, for joining me today, and thanks everyone for listening on this last episode of the Identity Series 2.0.

Listen to the "Bundle of Hers" wherever you listen to your podcasts, or you can always go to bundleofhers.com. There's also that.

I am so excited that I'm a part of this, and you'll hear my voice again, hopefully a little bit more professional sounding on more episodes, but we're working on it. Bye.