S6E13: Letter to My Younger Self

Harjit: So Mariam, you want to tell us about how you delivered a placenta?

Mariam: Well, I delivered a baby and then the placenta.

Harjit: No, dude, the placenta part is interesting too,

Mariam: It's actually so satisfying because you are supposed to palpate the uterine fundus while you're kind of pulling or creating traction on the placenta, and it's so oddly satisfying. And yeah, that was one of the highlights of my week.

Margaux: Definitely a magical moment to deliver a baby.

Mariam: Oh, yeah.

Margaux: To be involved in that moment.

Mariam: That too. Delivering the baby was also the highlight.

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to "Bundle of Hers." This is Mariam in the virtual studio with our lovely co-hosts, Margaux and Harjit.

Harjit: Hello.

Margaux: Hello.

Mariam: Today we are going to be talking about a very special episode. I think I say that about every single episode, but they're all very special in their own way. Today's episode is titled "Letter to My Younger Self: Evolution of Identity Over Time."

I think at this point in my med school career . . . So I'm almost finished with third year, and third year is kind of a big year for med students to kind of find out what you want to do and figure out what specialty you want to go into. This is a huge life decision.

And more recently I started my OBGYN rotation, and it kind of threw me for a loop because I never really seriously considered OB, but now I am considering OB. And it's a really exciting time because I'm like, "This is the first time this year I've felt like this is exactly what I want to do."

All that to say this has had me kind of reflecting on the journey to get here. More specifically, when I was a little kid, little Mariam, would I have envisioned this life for myself?

And I think it's natural to reflect on that because, again, when you're in this process, particularly in third year when you're thinking about what you want to do for the rest of your life, you start to think about what you've always wanted in your life. For me personally, I didn't always picture myself as a doctor. I didn't think that I was going to be a doctor when I was a kid or even a teenager.

So I wanted to have this conversation today with you guys because I think it's a really interesting one, especially in the context of me having to make this very stressful decision. So I guess my question for you guys is who did you want to be when you were younger?

Margaux: Oh, I can go first. When I was younger I have a very distinct memory that I wanted to be Michelle Kwan, the ice skater, the Olympic ice skater. I loved watching her. Every Olympics, I was so obsessed and I took ice skating lessons and that's what I really thought I wanted to be. But now here I am a doctor.

Harjit: I think that, for me, I have a boring answer, but I was 5 when I watched this four-part series of doctors and I've been wanting to be a doctor ever since I was 5. But I will say that I thought I wanted to be a surgeon for the longest time. So I actually never thought that I'd go into psychiatry. In fact, that was the thing I was like, "I'm not doing that, but I'm doing everything else." So I will say that kind of threw me for a loop.

Mariam: Wait. Question. Harjit, why did you not want to be a psychiatrist?

Harjit: I didn't know what it was, and then when I knew . . . I knew what it was when I got into medical school, and then when I was in medical school I was like, "I don't think I'm going to do that," because I didn't know what it was.

Margaux: I honestly would say even in med school, until I rotated in third year, I didn't know truly what psychiatry was.

Mariam: Yeah. I guess I could say the same. Well, personally, when I was a kid . . . Sorry, I'm actually just thinking about this answer, and it's ridiculous compared to you guys' answers. I'm not even joking. I actually legit wanted to be a princess. I'm not even joking.

Margaux: Love it.

Mariam: I had this whole life plan of just . . . I wanted to live in a castle, and I wanted to have this beautiful garden and have my family around me and all these things. And I wanted to wear really pretty dresses. Maybe that's superficial, but as a kid that's what I always wanted. I guess growing up, a little bit later, I remember in middle school I was really dead set on wanting to be an archeologist and I was like, "That's going to happen."

Harjit: Wait, why?

Mariam: Why? That's a great question. I'm trying to remember, honestly. If I'm being fully honest with myself, I think a part of it was because it was cool and edgy and nobody else said that they wanted to do it. So I probably was like, "I'm going to be an archeologist."

Margaux: But you love dinosaurs too, right, still?

Mariam: Yes, so I could have totally been a paleontologist. But that was something that I wanted to do. It's really interesting to go back and reflect on how my passions have changed as I've grown older, and how I've kind of envisioned what my future would look like.

I think this conversation is important because when I was younger, I guess I never would've envisioned myself going into medicine based on kind of how I thought of myself and how . . . I want to say how I was socialized to act as a kid.

It's interesting because I think about how our identity so much is shaped in our childhood and how we're socialized to be. And I think a huge part of being a woman, or even back then a girl, really shaped what I envisioned for myself.

And there's a lot of cultural context to that too. In my family, my family always wanted me to pursue education and become this working professional in the world. But again, there were a lot of gender norms that kind of shaped what I envisioned for myself growing up.

So it's interesting to kind of reflect back and think about how those expectations shifted and how my identity evolved as I grew older, and as I either kind of embraced some of the things that I learned in childhood or even rejected some of those things.

Harjit: I actually really like that you said that, Mariam, because it got me thinking a little bit about why did I want to be a doctor and why was I so sure about that? And oddly, the truth is I didn't know what it meant to be a doctor until I was in college.

And when I was younger, the reason why I chose that career is really because of that rebellious spirit I always had. In my family, I was the third daughter. I've talked about this often, but being the third daughter, it was always like, "Oh, my parents always wanted a son." So I was like, "I'm going to do everything to prove that I'm just like a boy or I'm better than a boy, so I'm going to have a job when I grow up. I'm going to provide when I grow up."

And I was like, "Doctor sounds good because they make good money and they're like boys." And so I think a lot of the reasons why I was so attached to wanting to be a doctor was for the very reason of my identities and the things that it made me face.

Similar to what you said, but maybe in the opposite direction, I felt that my family didn't promote higher education and I was like, "I'm going to do everything so I do that, so I can be rebellious, because I'm going to be like a boy. I'm going to do all the things boys do or all the things men do," rather than really being proud of being a woman myself, which came much later as I grew.

I think that's when I realized why I really wanted to be a doctor. And probably the reason why I chose psychiatry is I was able to grow into my own identities and be like, "I'm doing this for a reason, not for the reasons I thought I would when I was younger."

Some of them are still there, like being able to be independent and not having to rely on anybody, which is still a little problematic. But what I'm saying is that that's where that kind of came in, so I'm really happy you brought that up, Mariam.

Margaux: So Mariam, you said you no longer have or hold the princess dream, and I would argue I very much still do, especially in times when residency gets hard and we are overworked in this productivity capitalist mindset.

To me, that princess ideal stereotype is the ultimate life that we all want for ourselves, right? You want to be able to live your life, wear the pretty dresses, wear whatever you want for that matter, and have everybody like you and validate you and sort of live that life. And I think, as children, that's why we are attracted to this stereotype of princesses that Disney or other cartoons gave us.

And so that then also makes me reflect on what are the needs that we as children were trying to meet or project onto this idea of wanting to be a princess? I think a lot about that, but I often think that I would rather be a princess than a resident.

Mariam: Actually, on this rotation particularly, I want to be a princess. I want to be provided for. I want my family around me. I want things to be easy. I want the birds to sing to me every single morning.

Margaux: Damn right.

Mariam: But I think that's an important point that you make, Margaux, because especially in times that are really trying, like residency, like third year, you start to kind of reflect back on, "What were the things that I valued when I was younger, when things . . ." For a lot of people, not everybody, but for a lot of people when things felt simpler, right?

At least for me, my childhood, I felt like I had everything that I needed. I had all of my basic needs met. I had a lot of love and emotional support. And that's not to say that I don't have that right now, but obviously, as an adult, things look different.

Often I wonder how much being in this process of medicine and kind of just fending for myself and being an adult in this world has really shaped how I approach my life, and how I've created my goals.

We've talked a lot about this, but in medicine, it's such a kind of narrow process. It's a bubble in a lot of sense, and you're driven towards this goal and you're not really allowed to be this full person. And it can feel difficult at times to remember back to who you were.

I feel like I've had this conversation with both of you before of the things that I used to value in myself when I was younger, the ways that I acted, my personality, that fundamentally made up who I was as a child. I think about how those things have shifted and how those things have changed as I've grown older, and how I can kind of incorporate my inner child a little bit more as I move forward to kind of connect more with myself in this process.

It's hard. It's hard, because moving forward in this process, I'm not remembering every aspect of who I was and what I valued when I was younger. And I think that's okay, because as we grow older, things change. But it's just an interesting thought process, especially during this time when we're supposed to know exactly what we want to do and how we want to practice medicine.

Margaux: And I would plug the "Healing Your Inner Child" episode that Harjit and I did last season as a foundation and a precursor to this discussion.

Mariam: Pause this podcast episode right now and go listen to that episode if you haven't. It's a very good one.

Harjit: That's what I'm talking about.

Mariam: I'm curious for both of you . . . we kind of talked about what we wanted when we were younger, but I want to know how you guys kind of thought of yourselves when you were younger. How would you describe little Harjit and little Margaux?

Margaux: I don't know that I have much consciousness of that before sixth grade or middle school. And I don't know if that's just natural development and when we start to develop our identities as adolescents and sort of the natural progression of self-awareness.

I would say I had a very privileged and happy childhood. So I don't know beyond . . . Earlier, I would say, was fine, but what I distinctly remember is a tumultuous relationship with myself in middle school and adolescence and even in college with a lot of trouble with self-compassion, loving my body, and struggling to find my identities, I guess I would say.

I don't know that I had a good definition, but I had an image of what I was chasing in my head that, looking back, was a very unrealistic idea of who I wanted to be. More what I wanted to look like, if I'm reflecting honestly back now. There wasn't a lot of deep thought.

Adolescence, your frontal lobe is not forming where we can really start to think about these ideas deeply. And so I was really riding that wave and had a very unrealistic, unhealthy projection of who I wanted to look like, and always fighting that for myself. So that's how I would define my relationship or that's really what I look back on and feel the most.

Harjit: I think when I think of how I would describe myself as a child, it would be similar to how I am now. I was very carefree, and I think I've been very intentional my whole life to stay carefree. There are moments where I'm not carefree. But I think it's something I'm very intentional about.

I was always a curious kid. I'm still a very curious adult. I will say that my relationship of how everything isn't my fault is something that really has changed. I think when I was younger, I thought everything was my fault. When my parents fought, when my sisters fought, when I fought with them, anything bad in the world that would happen, I'd always be like, "If I was better, this wouldn't happen." And I think I put a lot of pressure on myself.

This is so funny because I just had a conversation with Mariam prior to recording, and any time I tell her my honest feelings, I get scared because I don't want it to be my fault that someone's hurt.

I think that's something that is really hard for me to let go. And I'll be honest, I'm still working on it. But I think that's how I would describe myself when I was younger, carefree, curious, but I always thought everything was my fault if it was negative.

Mariam: I think for me . . . it's interesting, Margaux, as you were speaking, I kind of related a lot to the things that you were saying. My relationship with myself often felt pretty tumultuous. But that didn't start until I hit that kind of middle school/adolescent age.

And similar to you, Margaux, when I was really little, I don't have any distinct memories of how I felt about myself, which I think in and of itself is really interesting. I think I was just existing in the world, and I was fortunate enough to have a loving and supportive family and community where I could just exist in the world.

The only thing I will say that I consciously remember growing up was feeling deep shame around my skin color and my identity, because where I lived was not a very diverse place and there weren't a lot of Middle Eastern people or Muslim people. So I think that definitely sticks out, and I think is a huge part of this conversation too.

But as I grew older, kind of similar to you, Margaux, having this really tumultuous relationship with myself that was based on my skin color, that was also based on how I perceived my body, and then also just kind of based on the growing pains of being a teenager and just struggling in the world.

We talk about growing through our identity, and I'm thinking about how I thought about myself and my identities. I'm so proud to be a woman of color. I love my skin. I love how I look and things like that. But a lot of that just kind of came from having these feelings of self-hatred and shame around my identity, my appearance, and ultimately how I presented myself to the world.

Oftentimes it's just funny, because in medicine . . . because that's pretty much my whole life right now, sadly, as a third year. But one of the most common sources of feedback that I get is that I should be more confident in the clinical arena when I'm presenting my plans or whatever. And I think a lot of it is fine. I think that's feedback that most people get. But it has me thinking a lot about how confidence . . . I really struggled with confidence because I felt a lot of deep shame in my identity.

And it's funny because I feel like a lot of people would describe me as a decently confident person. But there are still aspects of your childhood that you hold onto and those feelings of shame. And again, this kind of goes back into healing your inner child, but those feelings of shame definitely still kind of come up and impact how you show up even just in your career or just in life in general.

Harjit: I agree with that, Mariam. And it kind of goes back to the same thing where I think everything's my fault, because I think that feeling of, "Oh, I could have done something to prevent this," the burden is completely on myself, totally ignoring circumstances, social aspects, psychological aspects. I was very much in that.

It was interesting because it was very egocentric, but it was a painful egocentric. I was causing myself pain. And sometimes I think that comes out a lot too when I too am given feedback.

Margaux: One of the things I think now as a parent is watching how much pure joy children can have and happiness in this sort of innocent way. And so I like to also reflect back on how we all expressed joy as children.

I think, as adults, we become curmudgeons and I think part of that is working in a capitalist mindset where we're valued on our productivity, and we rarely have time for that simple joy in life. But I think reflecting back on it can be a very helpful thing. And so I'm curious how both of you experienced or expressed joy as a child and how that shows up for you now.

Mariam: I'm not like trying to hype myself up too much, but I was a really cute kid. We have these home videos of me and my brother, just family home videos. My dad was usually behind the camera and I was just a goofy freaking kid.

There was one video I was watching a couple of years ago because I was just feeling nostalgic, and there was a video of me at my fifth grade birthday party and my dad was like, "Smile for the camera." Instead of doing that, I did the most horrendous thing. I pulled my eyes down and rolled my eyes into the back of my head. I was trying to be weird and goofy, and it kind of freaked my dad out. He was like, "Whoa. I just asked for a smile."

But all that to say, I was just a goofy kid and I just didn't care. I didn't care about how I looked. I didn't care what I did was really strange, and it would be on video, and people could access this video later. My whole thing was just living in the moment and being present. I didn't think about consequences necessarily of how people thought of me. I just lived my life.

And again, I feel like I was really fortunate because I had a family that kind of allowed me to have that and fostered that for me. But it's just funny because I would never do that now. If somebody's recording me, I'd be like, "How do I look? I need to look at this recording and we're going to take 10 different recordings and I'll choose the best one for you to post on Instagram." And that's the sad reality of what my life is right now.

I want to get back to that level of just existing and being present. And being present is really, really hard not just for me, but for a lot of people. It was something that came so naturally to me when I was a kid.

Margaux: And Mariam, I would say it's not your sad reality. It's the way we've been socialized to be hyper-focused on these aspects of us that we hadn't been influenced by as children. And so we're able to have the freedom without those oppressive thoughts.

I love and also resonate with what you say about I wish I could go back to that, because that's something I intentionally am trying to do in my life now, is let go and unlearn a lot of those things. And I think that is a way not only to heal your inner self, but to have this projection.

When we talked earlier about who we wanted to be when we were kids, we still can be that person, that magical adult that we envisioned for ourselves by unlearning a lot of these things.

Harjit: We have responsibilities now. And as kids, yes, we did have responsibilities, but we had caretakers as well at a certain point. I think that that also changes things. And Margaux, when you ask what did I do to experience joy, oh my gosh, I loved the outside doors. Outside doors? Outdoors.

Mariam: Outside doors.

Harjit: I like outside doors too, but I loved the outdoors. So my favorite things to do were ride my bike through the neighborhood, or when it was raining, I'd pick up all the insects and just have fun with them. I would go jump on my trampoline, these kinds of things that . . . Exhilaration was really exciting. And I still have this aspect of how I experience joy, but it was like eating food and being super excited about it.

So a lot of things that remind me of that now is when I go hiking. Those kinds of things really help me feel like, "Oh, I'm in this vast place and I'm just one little particle in this universe." And I think that gave me a lot of joy, and really being excited, and Mariam, like you said, noticing, being present, being in the moment.

I do notice the days that I'm struggling because I do have anxiety. That's when it's hard for me. So now it's more of an intentional practice. When I was younger, it just was. It just was who I was. As we grow, life changes, we are responsible for different things, and that kind of gets more difficult.

Mariam: Yeah, for sure. I think this conversation gives me a little bit more motivation to kind of prioritize getting back to existing in the world, just existing and being myself and feeling connected to myself and feeling present and just experiencing joy in the ways that I can. And that's easier said than done, but it's just an important reflection.

I think that everybody makes jokes about once you become an adult, everything goes downhill and everything starts hurting and you get old and everything sucks. That's kind of true. I'm not going to deny that. But I think there are some ways that we can reflect on who we were as kids, take all the qualities and the things that we really appreciated and loved and bring them back. And I think that's really powerful. So I'm glad we had this conversation.

I was kind of thinking about something that an old coworker of mine had told me. She was a therapist. She did this a lot with her patients or her clients. It was an exercise in communicating with your inner child essentially, or essentially writing a letter to your younger self.

I gave it a shot, and I just wrote this on the spot right before recording because I wanted it to really come from the heart.

Dear little Mariam, it's older Mariam. Yes, we made it to the ripe old age of 27, but we're almost 28. Your 20s have been a rough time, but I couldn't have gone through them without you. Yes, people still say we are spicy and sassy. And despite our family thinking we would grow out of that, we learned to make that part of our power.

You may not believe this, but you'll learn to love your brown skin and dark hair with a deep and protective fierceness. You still hate the relentless mustache, but you've learned to accept it more.

No one told you this, but your sensitivity is your power. The world is going to tell you to find power in ways that discourage connection, community, and love. But you have always had a powerful gift of demanding that for yourself. I love you wholeheartedly. The older version of yourself, Mariam.

Harjit: That's so sweet.

Margaux: Oh, that's beautiful and very heartfelt.

Harjit: Yeah. Mine isn't that beautiful.

Margaux: When you asked us to write letters to ourselves, it brought up a lot of immediate opposition because I am not a literary person. I do not find joy in writing things and it actually takes me a lot of time and effort and I stress over it. So that was my immediate reaction. And then I thought more about it and I was like, "Am I avoiding something? Where is this rooted?"

And a lot of it I think was looking back to my childhood, which the point of this episode was, that my dad and my sister were English majors and they loved writing. And I always felt forced to be something that I wasn't with writing.

And so my thought was that instead of writing something, I was just going to free-form it if we needed to on this because that is my way of healing my inner child, is not having to write, but being able to give myself the freedom to do the "assignment" in a way that still meets the goal but in my own way and allowing myself that freedom.

Margaux: I love that.

Margaux: So in that note, I would say that other people's expectations of you don't need to be the path that you follow. You can walk your own line and get everything done that you need to and meet your expectations that way. Don't let people put you in a box and don't put yourself in a box. Meaning you can buy the clothes that actually fit you, and you don't need to buy clothes that are smaller with the goal of trying to fit into them. You don't need to be someone or reach for someone that you have an image of someone that you are not. You are perfectly beautiful and happy who you are and you will be loved.

Mariam: That's beautiful, Margaux.

Margaux: Tears.

Harjit: I love that vocal on-the-spot letter, because really we don't have to be perfect in the way we write, in the way we talk, but we still can say and do what we feel, and I think that's a huge part of this podcast.

So for my letter I said, "Dear Harjit, life is fun still, and your goal of being carefree and a doctor is happening. Life will change the day you stop asking for a brother and start having gratitude for what you have. Also, now instead of not trying to be a boy, you can be a woman and it's exciting.

"The other thing that is really cool is you can now go to fancy restaurants you never went to when you were little, but you used to look at, and you can eat ice cream that is more than $2. You're hella cool, and you're growing, and you get to do a lot of stuff, so it's fun.

"And everything isn't your fault. Why did you think that? And you're so cute and beautiful and you don't need to put gel on your hair so you look cool, but you're already cool." That's my letter.

Margaux: I love it.

Mariam: I love that. That was so cute. Oh my gosh, I love that we did this, you guys, because this was a really . . .

Harjit: I love also that all of ours were so different.

Mariam: Yeah, I do too. I think this exercise can be whatever it needs to be. I think it can be lighthearted and fun and it can also be really deep and can feel kind of heavy sometimes. But I think it's a really healing exercise and I'm glad that we did it.

All right. Well, I think that is the end of our episode. Thank you to our listeners who have made it this far in the episode. Congratulations.

So we definitely encourage you guys to write a letter to your younger self as well. And if you feel comfortable sharing, please share with us on our Instagram, @bundleofhers. And if you're not already following us, please follow us over there.

For those who share, we have these pins that say "Power From Identity" that we will give to you. So please share if you feel comfortable. And even if you don't feel comfortable, definitely encourage you to do this exercise still because it is a very healing exercise.

Thank you guys so much for listening and tune in to our next episode, which I don't know what it's going to be. That wasn't a good way to end it.

Harjit: That's okay.

Mariam: You guys, I'm terrible at endings. I'm sorry. I'm not an ending girl.

Margaux: We all have our strengths.

Mariam: We all have our strengths, and endings are not one of mine. Okay, bye.

Harjit: Bye.

Mariam: Awkward.